Last week, I uploaded a dumb sketch about dating and my DMs got flooded with questions. Lots of questions. I was basically a less-charismatic Hitch.
It really struck me how polarising the dating scene is. Depending on who I spoke to, it was either fun and rewarding OR a groundhog day of despair.
After years of dating (and a few heartbreaks along the way) I’ve picked up some lessons to help navigate the turbulent waters of singledom. These are practical steps to avoid getting hurt and land a quality match.
Here are 5 dating gems I wish I knew 10 years ago.
Timing is everything 🕑
It takes a minor miracle for a relationship to get off the ground.
A successful match requires an unlikely melding of attraction, interests, values… but importantly, timing. Two people can be a great match, but if the timing’s wrong, you’re pretty much fucked.
Maybe Tim has just come out of a relationship or Sally is about to move to New York for work. For things to progress, the timing needs to be just right.
How is this helpful?
Don’t get down when it doesn’t work out. Realising that the odds are stacked against you will help keep your expectations in check. Remember that, even if things are going swimmingly, the timing has to match so don’t get your hopes up just yet. Which brings me to number two.
Expect nothing 😄
I've been hurt before when I got ahead of myself, assumed I was “in” but the gal had other plans. I set an expectation prematurely.
The lesson is, until things progress and you have “the chat” about exclusivity, you shouldn’t expect things to go in a certain direction. That’s a one way ticket to the hurt locker, friends.
In the early stages, we’ll never know what the other person is feeling or where they’re at. And frankly, it’s none of our business. Instead of guessing, it’s more fun to surrender all expectations and simply show up as your best-self, be kind and have fun.
The truth is, if they’re not into you, they’re not your person. And there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Anxiety happens when we feel out of control. So try switching your mindset to focus on what you can — yourself. Plus, once you expect nothing, things become lighter and you won’t get hurt.
Date yourself first ✅
The biggest mistake people make is looking for a partner to complete them.
The goal is to create a strong foundation before entering into a relationship.
You’ll need to build unshakeable self-esteem. Eat well, sleep well, train well. Become the best version of yourself. Being single is a wonderful opportunity to build a whole life so that you’re not searching for a piece of the puzzle but rather someone to enjoy it with.
It’s also your responsibility to work on problems that might pop up once you find yourself in a relationship. Whether it’s daily journalling or untangling Mummy issues with a therapist, your future relationship will benefit from you up-leveling your awareness.
Most importantly, when you’re not afraid to be alone, you can be patient and selective and attract someone on your new and improved wavelength.
Not everyone likes tea ☕️
A dating mistake I’ve made is trying to be liked by everyone.
When we focus on being liked, we assimilate to what we think the other person is looking for.
Instead, just be yourself.
We want our partner to like us for who we are right? So the sooner we show up as ourselves, the sooner we’ll find that person.
Plus, when we focus on being ourselves, the energy shifts. We’re no longer trying to people-please and can actually decide if we like them.
Remembering that we can’t be everyones cup of tea is also great armour. Next time you don’t hear from someone, remind yourself that not everyone will love your wonderful uniqueness and try not to take it personally.
This is your time for profound growth 🚀
If you genuinely want to attract a good partner, you need to put the work in. But the ‘work’ is fun and incredibly rewarding. The goal here is to raise your self-esteem and feel complete before you start.
When we’re stoked on our life we’re validated intrinsically. So we’re not seeking approval from other people. This frees us up to actually decide if we like someone, rather than trying to get them to like us.
When the timing’s right, you’ll attract a partner on the same wavelength. And when you do, it will just be a bonus because you’re happy on your own anyway.
Don’t feel disheartened if it takes a while. Keep improving, respect the process and remember that it’s better to be single than settle.